Let me ask you a question: how aware are you of your fingernails?
Mine might as well have a pulse. I think about them every waking second of every day. There they are, just chilling at the ends of my fingers, taunting me. I might as well be a recovering alcoholic with a glass of wine in my hand, debating on whether or not I have the strength to resist the temptation.
Perhaps I should back up a bit... here's the deal: I am a lifelong nail biter. That is eighteen years worth of a bad habit (give or take the time it took for me to grow teeth). For as long as I can remember, my response to nearly every situation has been to chew on my fingers. Whether I was nervous, bored, excited, pensive, or feeling any sort of conscious emotion at all, my teeth took it out on my phalanges. Seriously. It was a problem. I didn't have any fingernails to speak of, my cuticles were bloody, and the skin where the nails should have been was constantly growing slightly infected.
I bring this up now because approximately five weeks ago, I stopped. There I was, essentially devouring one of my own fingers as a snack, when I decided that I was finished with being such a disgusting person. I immediately went to the drugstore, bought this overpriced nail strengthener stuff and a bottle of clear polish, and never looked back. Not once have I nibbled on a nail since that fateful day.
And it's killing me. Kicking a lifelong habit requires a ridiculous level of determination and self-discipline. To be honest, I couldn't have done it without beginning a couple of crutch habits; I have to apply a new coat of nail polish daily, so that I can pick off the old polish. This eases whatever weird mental craving I have for the destruction of all that is fingernails.
Whatever. I'm still proud of myself. Go ahead and judge me if you must.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Resolutions... or not
My feelings regarding resolutions are rather split. On the one hand, I don't find them very conducive to actual self-growth. People spend January 1st in a hangover coma, then move into resolution overdrive mode for about four days. But by the end of January at the latest, resolutions have inevitably evolved into sarcastic jokes. "Oh hey, I see you have a soda can there. I assume it's actually filled with water, because there is no way you would ever fail your resolution this early." Har har har.
Anyway, I have never been a huge supporter of New Year's resolutions for that reason. They tend to run parallel to saying, "I'll start studying at 5," then glancing at the clock and realizing it is 5:02. "Oh darn, I missed it. I guess I'll just have to start at 5:30." Resolutions are the melodramatic equivalent; in February, it ends up being, "Shit. I guess I'll just have to lose five pounds next year," and then eating cupcakes for ten months straight... or, you know, maybe not.
If you want to actually improve something about yourself, set realistic goals and work on it, no matter the time of year. Waiting until New Years rolls around is just a festive form of procrastination.
That said, today I have spent a good half hour watching YouTube videos in which people determine whether or not they actually accomplished their resolutions for 2011. I ended up reconsidering my entire perspective on resolutions, because I found that I really like the concept of being able to measure goal accomplishments within a certain time period. It's just that resolutions are pointless without legitimate dedication, and they can't be too vague.
With that in mind, in 2012 I want to:
- stop biting my nails.
- have at least $10,000 in my savings account.
- stop being such a pussy about talking to my dad/ have a year of independence.
- exercise for at least an hour every day.
- complete the 50 book challenge again.
- win NaNoWriMo again.
- keep up with my archive journals.
- make at least one video a month (ideally more).
- make more friends hooray (I don't know how to make that less vague).
- milk a cow.
- see at least one of my friends from Dominica in person.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I'm baaaaaaaack (in a scary, Halloween-type voice)
... so. Um. It's been a while.
I have a million and one excuses for why I haven't blogged in four months. Both of my parents moved into new houses, and instead of hiring professional movers, they had me do most of the muscle work. I have three part-time jobs, and am about to interview for a fourth one. Instead of graduating in May of 2012, I am completing both semesters of my senior year simultaneously so that I can graduate at the end of December this year. And yet, if I'm being completely honest, none of these are the real reason why I have been neglecting my internet outlets.
The truth is, I have been feeling really shitty. As in, my mood swings could rival a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy. I'm stressed out for obvious reasons, and it doesn't help that the relationships most dear to me have been falling apart for months now. Whenever I even begin to think about my life, all I want to do is complain, and that is not why I have this blog. I refuse to be the poster child for teenage angst; I fully recognize that my life is awesome. As an incredibly fortunate person, there is no excuse for me to bitch to the internet about how much life sucks.
In my leave of absence, I consumed three tubs of frosting (minus the cake). In other words, I gained about seven pounds and my face is full of acne. The point of this post is that I'm ready. I'm ready to lose those pounds that purely consist of chocolate and cream cheese frosting, get rid of my clogged pores, and improve my attitude. Cool things happen to me all the time, and what can I say? I'm a narcissist. I want to talk about them.
Man, it feels good to be back. xx
I have a million and one excuses for why I haven't blogged in four months. Both of my parents moved into new houses, and instead of hiring professional movers, they had me do most of the muscle work. I have three part-time jobs, and am about to interview for a fourth one. Instead of graduating in May of 2012, I am completing both semesters of my senior year simultaneously so that I can graduate at the end of December this year. And yet, if I'm being completely honest, none of these are the real reason why I have been neglecting my internet outlets.
The truth is, I have been feeling really shitty. As in, my mood swings could rival a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy. I'm stressed out for obvious reasons, and it doesn't help that the relationships most dear to me have been falling apart for months now. Whenever I even begin to think about my life, all I want to do is complain, and that is not why I have this blog. I refuse to be the poster child for teenage angst; I fully recognize that my life is awesome. As an incredibly fortunate person, there is no excuse for me to bitch to the internet about how much life sucks.
In my leave of absence, I consumed three tubs of frosting (minus the cake). In other words, I gained about seven pounds and my face is full of acne. The point of this post is that I'm ready. I'm ready to lose those pounds that purely consist of chocolate and cream cheese frosting, get rid of my clogged pores, and improve my attitude. Cool things happen to me all the time, and what can I say? I'm a narcissist. I want to talk about them.
Man, it feels good to be back. xx
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Chutes Too Narrow
I'm told that everyone experiences that feeling, that impulse. The need to just go, go somewhere, go anywhere.
Well, I did it.
At 1am on June 25th, 2011, I climbed into the front seat of my car with nothing but determination, adrenaline, and a little hysteria. There was no plan in mind, no ultimate destination. No one knew where I was going, not even me. I have never felt more free than in that moment.
Of course, that's when I began to scare myself. While taking the ramp to the highway, I felt an urge to toss my phone out the window and never look back. I wanted to rid myself of all of my artificial connections to the world and the relationships that I never quite put enough effort into maintaining. I could be cleansed of my pointless responsibilities and develop new ones that actually matter to me in a whole new place.
After having these thoughts and yearning for all of the possibilities, I panicked a bit. I am extremely close to everyone in my immediate family, and it would kill them if I was just gone. I could never do that to them, no matter how tempted I was. Plus, there is the fact that until I turn eighteen, I would essentially be homeless. And, you know, it makes no sense in general and would never work. I would be hunted down and dragged back home, forced to face the hostility of everyone I'd tried to leave behind.
So instead, I tweeted. I used twitter as a way to alert my friend that lives in another country, another continent even, to the fact that I'd lost my mind. Though I was too irrational for any sensible analyzation of my thoughts to be possible, I think I just wanted someone to convince me to go home. Just about anyone would have tried, but the fact that he was too far away to actually be able to make me turn my car around was comforting.
In retrospect, I feel absolutely terrible for worrying him. I basically scared all of my friends shitless, as I was clearly having some sort of breakdown. Even at the time, I felt incredibly guilty that everyone was so concerned, but I couldn't bring myself to turn around. I chose the most selfish route I have ever taken in my life by simply moving forward.
I drove for thirteen hours, with nothing but my thoughts and The Shins accompanying me. I only got out of my car three times; twice to fill up the fuel tank, and once to look out across the hills below me in West Virginia. Driving in the pitch-black of 1am, the hazy almost-sunlight of 5am, and the too-bright yellow of 12pm in one single, pointless, solitary roadtrip was the most amazing experience. I don't even know how to articulate what I was feeling, but it was the best night/day of my life. I suppose I was searching for some sort of epiphany, and I definitely feel as if I found it, just maybe not in the way that I expected.
Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating doing something irrational and irresponsible that will freak everyone around you the fuck out. I'm just saying, I can't pretend that I regret my spontaneous decision to just get in the car and follow the road by nothing but instinct.
Well, I did it.
At 1am on June 25th, 2011, I climbed into the front seat of my car with nothing but determination, adrenaline, and a little hysteria. There was no plan in mind, no ultimate destination. No one knew where I was going, not even me. I have never felt more free than in that moment.
Of course, that's when I began to scare myself. While taking the ramp to the highway, I felt an urge to toss my phone out the window and never look back. I wanted to rid myself of all of my artificial connections to the world and the relationships that I never quite put enough effort into maintaining. I could be cleansed of my pointless responsibilities and develop new ones that actually matter to me in a whole new place.
After having these thoughts and yearning for all of the possibilities, I panicked a bit. I am extremely close to everyone in my immediate family, and it would kill them if I was just gone. I could never do that to them, no matter how tempted I was. Plus, there is the fact that until I turn eighteen, I would essentially be homeless. And, you know, it makes no sense in general and would never work. I would be hunted down and dragged back home, forced to face the hostility of everyone I'd tried to leave behind.
So instead, I tweeted. I used twitter as a way to alert my friend that lives in another country, another continent even, to the fact that I'd lost my mind. Though I was too irrational for any sensible analyzation of my thoughts to be possible, I think I just wanted someone to convince me to go home. Just about anyone would have tried, but the fact that he was too far away to actually be able to make me turn my car around was comforting.
In retrospect, I feel absolutely terrible for worrying him. I basically scared all of my friends shitless, as I was clearly having some sort of breakdown. Even at the time, I felt incredibly guilty that everyone was so concerned, but I couldn't bring myself to turn around. I chose the most selfish route I have ever taken in my life by simply moving forward.
I drove for thirteen hours, with nothing but my thoughts and The Shins accompanying me. I only got out of my car three times; twice to fill up the fuel tank, and once to look out across the hills below me in West Virginia. Driving in the pitch-black of 1am, the hazy almost-sunlight of 5am, and the too-bright yellow of 12pm in one single, pointless, solitary roadtrip was the most amazing experience. I don't even know how to articulate what I was feeling, but it was the best night/day of my life. I suppose I was searching for some sort of epiphany, and I definitely feel as if I found it, just maybe not in the way that I expected.
Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating doing something irrational and irresponsible that will freak everyone around you the fuck out. I'm just saying, I can't pretend that I regret my spontaneous decision to just get in the car and follow the road by nothing but instinct.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Before I turn 18...
So, my eighteenth birthday is on December 7th. This means that I have just under six months before I legally become an adult. I've decided to make a list of things that I hope to accomplish before I reach that milestone.
1) Milk a cow
2) Sew a quilt... or at least start one.
3) Paint a mural
4) Go cliff-diving (or jump off something really high; I won't be too picky about this one)
5) Roll down a hill in a hotdog suit
6) Participate in a flash mob
7) Sell something that I have made to someone who isn't, like, my mom.
8) Meet one of my internet friends IRL
9) Attend a nerdy convention
10) Shoot a bull's-eye with a handgun
11) Be a part of a fundraiser for a nonprofit organization that I support
12) Help someone accomplish a goal that is important to them
13) Break one of my many bad habits
14) Create my own recipe that actually tastes delicious
15) Fill my scrapbook
16) Put effort into a video to the point where I can be proud of it
17) Be able to run a mile in eight minutes without wanting to die
18) Give someone the perfect gift, not for a holiday but just because
19) Improve my posture to the point where I can walk around with stuff on my head
20) Learn how to do a cultural dance. Or Thriller.
Some of these things are going to be difficult. If I can't cross them off before December 7th, I will just put them on my bucket list... which I don't actually have. I guess I would have one then?
1) Milk a cow
2) Sew a quilt... or at least start one.
3) Paint a mural
5) Roll down a hill in a hotdog suit
6) Participate in a flash mob
7) Sell something that I have made to someone who isn't, like, my mom.
9) Attend a nerdy convention
12) Help someone accomplish a goal that is important to them
13) Break one of my many bad habits
14) Create my own recipe that actually tastes delicious
15) Fill my scrapbook
16) Put effort into a video to the point where I can be proud of it
17) Be able to run a mile in eight minutes without wanting to die
18) Give someone the perfect gift, not for a holiday but just because
19) Improve my posture to the point where I can walk around with stuff on my head
20) Learn how to do a cultural dance. Or Thriller.
Some of these things are going to be difficult. If I can't cross them off before December 7th, I will just put them on my bucket list... which I don't actually have. I guess I would have one then?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I have absolutely nothing to say...
so here is a slightly perplexed looking screenshot of me wearing panda-print footy pajamas from earlier today.
Enjoy.
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