Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm a biter.

Let me ask you a question: how aware are you of your fingernails?

Mine might as well have a pulse.  I think about them every waking second of every day.  There they are, just chilling at the ends of my fingers, taunting me.  I might as well be a recovering alcoholic with a glass of wine in my hand, debating on whether or not I have the strength to resist the temptation.

Perhaps I should back up a bit... here's the deal: I am a lifelong nail biter.  That is eighteen years worth of a bad habit (give or take the time it took for me to grow teeth).  For as long as I can remember, my response to nearly every situation has been to chew on my fingers. Whether I was nervous, bored, excited, pensive, or feeling any sort of conscious emotion at all, my teeth took it out on my phalanges.  Seriously.  It was a problem.  I didn't have any fingernails to speak of, my cuticles were bloody, and the skin where the nails should have been was constantly growing slightly infected.

I bring this up now because approximately five weeks ago, I stopped.  There I was, essentially devouring one of my own fingers as a snack, when I decided that I was finished with being such a disgusting person.  I immediately went to the drugstore, bought this overpriced nail strengthener stuff and a bottle of clear polish, and never looked back.  Not once have I nibbled on a nail since that fateful day.

And it's killing me.  Kicking a lifelong habit requires a ridiculous level of determination and self-discipline.  To be honest, I couldn't have done it without beginning a couple of crutch habits; I have to apply a new coat of nail polish daily, so that I can pick off the old polish.  This eases whatever weird mental craving I have for the destruction of all that is fingernails.

Whatever.  I'm still proud of myself.  Go ahead and judge me if you must.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Resolutions... or not

My feelings regarding resolutions are rather split.  On the one hand, I don't find them very conducive to actual self-growth.  People spend January 1st in a hangover coma, then move into resolution overdrive mode for about four days.  But by the end of January at the latest, resolutions have inevitably evolved into sarcastic jokes.  "Oh hey, I see you have a soda can there.  I assume it's actually filled with water, because there is no way you would ever fail your resolution this early." Har har har.

Anyway, I have never been a huge supporter of New Year's resolutions for that reason.  They tend to run parallel to saying, "I'll start studying at 5," then glancing at the clock and realizing it is 5:02.  "Oh darn, I missed it.  I guess I'll just have to start at 5:30."  Resolutions are the melodramatic equivalent; in February, it ends up being, "Shit.  I guess I'll just have to lose five pounds next year," and then eating cupcakes for ten months straight... or, you know, maybe not.  

If you want to actually improve something about yourself, set realistic goals and work on it, no matter the time of year.  Waiting until New Years rolls around is just a festive form of procrastination. 

That said, today I have spent a good half hour watching YouTube videos in which people determine whether or not they actually accomplished their resolutions for 2011.  I ended up reconsidering my entire perspective on resolutions, because I found that I really like the concept of being able to measure goal accomplishments within a certain time period.  It's just that resolutions are pointless without legitimate dedication, and they can't be too vague. 

With that in mind, in 2012 I want to:

  • stop biting my nails. 
  • have at least $10,000 in my savings account. 
  • stop being such a pussy about talking to my dad/ have a year of independence. 
  • exercise for at least an hour every day. 
  • complete the 50 book challenge again.
  • win NaNoWriMo again.
  • keep up with my archive journals. 
  • make at least one video a month (ideally more).  
  • make more friends hooray (I don't know how to make that less vague).
  • milk a cow. 
  • see at least one of my friends from Dominica in person.